DJ Sacked After Calling English Queen 'Boring'

A radio DJ has been sacked after interrupting the Queen's speech on-air, telling listeners: "Two words: Bor-ing."

Radio presenter Tom Binns made the comments during a Christmas Day show on Birmingham radio station BRMB.

Binns then made a joke about the French royal family being beheaded and introduced the next song, Last Christmas by Wham!, with the words "from one Queen to another..."

"It's got to the point where comedians aren't allowed to say anything that could possibly offend anyone anymore," he added.

Binns said one listener sent him a message saying he should be sent to Iraq and hoped that he would be killed by a roadside bomb. "Other than that almost all the texts we received were in support of what I'd done."

Shamelessly lifted from the Guardian (click for link and thank them) 30/12/09

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Brown's Economic Plan Leaked to The Nevsky Times!

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Great Scots: Oliver McMurphy: Part 1

Oliver 'Gordon Pope Pilates III Orange Lodge' McMurphy (1682-1755) was born into a wealthy and established English based Quaker family in the town of Althorpe in the Country of Lincolnshire, England who went on to become widely regarded as one of the continuing fathers of Scottish Incompetence and who is famous for the stirring rallying cry "I want to debate with anybody".

Early Life
Born to Alisdair MacDonald MacKenzie Murray-Grieg and to Annie O'Anyoldtooll (Oliver later changing his name to reflect those who had done anything whatsoever to further his career) and in keeping with the family's religious beliefs young Oliver was raised on a solitary Quaker oat by his Scottish father, a highly skilled tradesman and carver of small wooden mandarins and nectarines (referred to locally by other woodworkers as 'the Orangemen').

Earliest Influences
Oliver's early years were spent learning the music and poetry of his forefathers and reading the early Scottish philosophy of Bruce Milan, Michael Forsyth and Ian Lang. Oliver also enjoyed the boy's adventure stories of the Duke of Cumberland.

As early as the age of 27 Oliver was regarded as being something of a prodigy on both the Great Highland Bagpipe and the Clarsach even though Oliver's real passion lay in memorising the works of the Gaelic childrens poet Uncle Tam Bamsmell such as the comedic 'West Lothian Sonnets' (a work that was to provide much comfort to Oliver in his most intellectually challenging days).

Early Scottish Impressions:
During the long winter evenings of Oliver's first 29 years of wainhood his father would often sit and reminisce (over a meagre supper of chips and cheese) about the old country and the political heroes of the romantic past that had shaped the country such as Helen Liddell and Brian Wilson.

Oliver soon began to gain an understanding of the renowned intellectual powerhouse that lay at the heart of Scottish society while at the same time developing a profound understanding of the people who supported them.

Later Oliver was to write of this period: "me heart wiz burnin fae the youngest age fir tae take thon gravy coach tae Scotia, tae play hoodiewinkie o' the numpties o whit ma faither hud telt me dwellit ther. Fae thon moment when ma faither teld us that ther was mony an eejit wi a lang tonguie and mealy mouth that wiz yit highly rewardit; weil it wiz my burnin, burnin a'rantin and a 'rovin desire fae that very nicht and i kent whur ma destiny wiz".

School Years:
From an early age the traits that were to mark the life of the man were yet present in the boy and it was while still at school that McMurphy was described as a man with an 'unbendin will and strongit mindit'.

To contextualise this quote it should be pointed out that it refers to Oliver's determination to remain at school until the age of 34 despite his teachers petitioning the Borough council that he 'be removit forthwith and putteth to work where he may learneth the world for uponeth such an apath education be wasteth'.

The Infamous Lost Three Hours:
McMurphy was forcibly removed from the school on 4th June 1716 and later the same day was brutally beaten by his father for overeating. Distraught, friendless and directionless the middle-aged McMurphy packed his satchel and in the famous quote by Professor Catherine Jamieson:

'wanderit roonit the midden for muckle a oor upon oor wi'oot sae much as braidit stockin nair cow skin upon his bare, bony an reekit stinkies..a mannie wha had sae swarn blind tae takit neither breed nor ee'n sae much as a jelly piece nor strongbuw cyder fae freend nair stranger until he reachit someen tae debateth with".

(The Life of Oliver McMurphy: Professor Catherine Jamieson, Bellshill Constituency Press, 1845, pp 1567)

In Part II, Oliver' first meeting with Gwadwayn Brawyn, soothsayer and mystic, travels to Scotland where he falls in with Geordie McFooles the Tavern Owner and how after the First Assault on Holyrood Committee Room 3 the epic story of McMurphy's escape!
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Turnaround in The Scotsman's Fortunes

Scotland's leading and highly respected regional newspaper The Scotsman today released figures that will come as a welcome boost to the international fortunes of Thomson Newspapers Ltd.

Against a backdrop of falling circulation and advertising revenue across the industry as a whole The Scotsman today published figures showing that both circulation and advertising revenue had increased for the first time in 177 years. For the period beginning 22nd December and ending 23rd December 2009 circulation had risen 1% to 127 readers while advertising revenue had increased from £1.29 to £1.32.

In a direct response to the better than predicted figures the market share price immediately remained static at 2.1p.

Commenting on the figures Editor John McLegoland said "this is welcome news for the Scotsman during a very difficult time for the industry. Despite having that f*****g SNP administration in Holyrood which i did not f*****g vote for and f*****g hate The Scotsman continues in the face of extreme and damaging nazionalism to uphold it's long held and valued tradition of fair and balanced reporting".

In an attempt to boost sales earlier this year The Scotsman embarked on a recruitment drive that saw the leading and respected columnist David Madcox (pictured right) join the editorial team from the Iona community where he had previously worked as the international correspondent on the successful annual publication 'Christian Winter Sock Knitting: 'Praising Jesus in Natural Fibre'.

In what was seen at the time as a hapless move to increase revenue at The Scotsman, the publication recently began to charge for it's 'in demand' online premium content which has seen readers flocking back in single figures.

Last week it was even reported by shopkeeper in Edinburgh who wished to remain anonymous that a copy of the newspaper was purchased by two successive customers.

John McLegoland added: "I cannae f*****n believe it man, me by ra way, me a lad fae naewhere, naewhere man and look at me now eh....hallo hallo we ar ra Jonny i'm nae jokin i wiz so happy man i had a wee drink eh an i went roon tae that wee Madcox's hoose and smashed his windaes fur a laugh man....i mind shoutin hey Maddie ya dobber it's me Big Jonny boy..he phoned the rozzers eh"

For a limited period only The Scotsman if offering readers a chance to enjoy an online subscription for the reduced price of £0.12p for 3 months. As a bonus we will also send you our award winning calender for 2010 with pictures of Scotland you have all seen before. Please, if you hate the SNP and even the thought of independence then click on the link below to be re-directed to our 'extra-premium, we promise special, special customers only' page:

David Madcox is winner of the coveted Stratford and Avon Gazette's 'Best Lost and Found Section 2001' award.

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McLellan's Scotsman!

I have a feeling that reading any of the online editions of The Times, The Telegraph or The Guardian is a slightly mournful experience for many Scots these days.

Why? Because even on a treadmill day in UK politics the English reporting tends to be well above the increasingly spiteful and insular nature of their Scottish counterparts.

Love them or hate them, the often insightful cream of English broadsheets makes most of their Scottish fellow professionals look like a spoonful of thin crowdie by comparison.

Negativity and politicking has never been the way to make friends or to influence readership. It's akin to attending a funeral day after day while at the same time being accosted by a mothball smelling, morbidly excited stranger telling you exactly who in the village will die next week. You soon move on!

And so it has proven with The Scotsman; readers have simply moved on; along with the advertising revenue.

Just try saying the following words out loud 'The Scotsman, Scotland's National Newspaper' and you can almost hear the hinges of your jaw creak as the words come out.

Successive editors have managed to reduce the Scotsman's readership to a paltry 46,300 copies per day and to put that in perspective the Daily Star in Scotland sells 351,024 copies and this is a paper i have never actually seen anyone buy!

Even worse is the fact that the English titles like the Times and the Telegraph, newspapers with little more than a representative office in Scotland outsell the Scotsman when the figures are combined; no one is rushing out to buy the Scotsman these days, certainly not Scots.

The reasons for the decline cannot simply be attributed to the overall fortunes of printed media. Negativity, editorial politicisation, the abundance of re-hashed stories gleaned from other media sources and a failure to provide Scotland with a neutral platform for real debate during the most important constitutional period in the country for over 300 years all have their part to play.

The facts that readers and advertising revenue have and will continue to desert The Hootsman faster than Gillette are binning Tiger Woods should be an indication to any editor that a change of direction is required; it is after all his responsibility to get the readership and in its slip-stream the advertising revenue up!

The Scotsman is not Scotland's national newspaper and never has been in my lifetime. What has changed in my lifetime is that is has transformed from an Edinburgh Tory read into an unsophisticated piece of medieval siege machinery to be used not only against the SNP but also against the the developing political and cultural aspirations of Scotland.

However not all is lost. The Scotsman is without doubt a weak link in the portfolio of Thomson Newspapers Ltd and has been seen as such for some time. Local papers always sell while national papers fail.

There have already been speculative approaches for the title but lets hope that before long a proprietor can be found to at least offer Scotland the semblance of a neutral and discursive newspaper!

Scotland needs it now more than ever before.

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